its hard to breath, my heart throbs to no avail. the blood wont pump, there is none left. how did it come to this? what choice forced me to crush my life so soon? i guess i will never know, but i will have an eternity to wander the depths of my blackened soul.
-
i walk past the first time i smoked a cigarette...laugh at myself for almost gagging on the smoke. the head rush was so intense i almost tipped over.
-
wander by the first time i had sex....that perfect day, where we were entwined on the river bank just enjoying the sun and the breeze. i never knew i wouldnt see you again after that day.....WHERE did you go?? you disappeared.
-
WOW! that was crazy....i had no clue i was that close to breaking my back when i did that back flip over the tree gap.
-
I stand in awe....as i watch my car careen off into the trees at 75 mph. I dont know how i survived. a branch through the windshield and into the head rest. another through the door, ripping the steering wheel free from my hands. and the last branch also through the door, reaching for my heart but only able to leave a scratch across my chest. i was lucky that day......yea, somebody needed me then.
-
almost laugh at the amount of callous disregard i have, when i watch myself get shot in the chest. when people say that a book saved their life and talk about the bible, i get annoyed, fuck the bible. i was LITERALLY saved by a book, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. slowed the bullet enough to only allow it to pierce the flesh, not the rib cage.
-
I cry as i watch my friend die in my arms...it was hard the first time, and it just doesnt get any easier. she was the best person i knew, never got caught up in the stupid illegal fun i was having. always tried to get me clean, and even when i pushed her away she was there for me. i hate myself for that day, i almost killed myself then but i knew you would have wanted me to try to live in your honor. its just...it was my fault. you never knew, nobody ever knew.
-
I dont want to continue to travel through the past, its overwhelming.
-
Lower my head in shame....as i shoot that first little bit of heroine. yea, i did it. i got hooked for a while. i stole stuff from friends and family. i ripped people off. then i was beaten to a pulp by my closest friend and told i need to stop the junk or he will bury me in a shallow grave. ive struggled since.
-
I collaspe at that day...that terrible day where it call came apart. I traveled the woods, just hoping to come across you one day. i dont know why. something just compelled me to search the forest. and i guess that compulsion led me where i needed to go. It was the furthest ive ever gone into the woods. and there i found it, your skeleton. you might ask how i knew it was you, and the answer is i was positive as soon as i saw it. your smile gave it away, even as nothing but a remnant you still had the best smile in all the world. I dont know what happened to you, i just hope you didnt suffer. i found the locket with our pictures inside it, all wrinkled, tattered and worn, but it was us. i keep it with me now, always.
-
I lived a selfish existence. an existence of hate, greed, glutony and despair. it all started that day you went away. i worried for days, wondered for weeks, and gave up within months. As the years went on i just grew cold and lonely. Nothing made me wonder more than how warm the blood coursing through my veins was as it sprayed, released from the confines of my neck. i would have thought i was nothing but a cold blooded monster by now, its how i felt.
=
=
=
=
all true except for my death. it could be luck that keeps me alive. it has to be, there is no "higher power". maybe i have to live for something, something i havent done yet.